I believed in the future , in forever and in fairy tales  . And it started to hurt real bad , So i took the reverse mode , and  learnt to treat everything like it was the last time , it didn’t hurt any less . Maybe it wasn’t the tense or how i treated the moment that kept me hurting . It was ATTACHMENT . like an elastic rubber band , pull  the two ends to extreme sides ,and it will still come back together , but sooner or later , it becomes weak and breaks apart . And it’s a mistake i never learn from , and a person comes along helps you to get over from the previous attachment  which broke and your mourning over . you’re morose and then the next thing you know , you’re attached to this new  person . Be it a lover or a best friend .. it’s the same feeling . .maybe cause I’ve learnt the hard way that people go away from each other before death does them  apart .And while i think my walls are so high and strong that no one on the outside can beak them down , i fail to realize the ones on the inside , the close one’s have all the power to break it down as much as they have to protect me . I am Trying  not to confuse “attachment” with “love”.  Attachment is about fear and dependency and hurt It’s like I’m incredibly lonely. But too scared of getting close to anyone at the same time. i prefer to stay close to a few people , but it requires  attachment and attachment requires time, emotional availability, and sincere compassion. For me it is impossible to invest equally in more than one friend , when I’ve been chased by a herd of wolves and bitches. but this has cost me  heartache and emotional distress . The fault was i didn’t have a   structured  backup plan to prevent loneliness, in case I lost these special people . When I was mourning, a loss of one special  friend  , another pushed herself through an invitingly open door to console my wounds. I was flattered by the amount of attention I received from her. I developed a strong attachment with her and thought that she would be the one and only I can trust, love, and talk to. If somebody dared to smear our bond I’d defend it .  I held her secrets and assumed she would do the same. However, out of nowhere , once again unimaginable reasons take us apart   .  I felt betrayed because it spat in my face the same insecurities I had confided to her in the past. As hurting as it is I cannot not put up with such humiliation and disrespect.  Sometimes I outgrow people , I don’t fight it or repair it , but just let it be .. Friends are not to stay forever and recovery from losing one friend can be sugarcoated with another close friendship , but the fear or going through the vicious circle can get to you . Like it is getting to me ..The idea of being in and out of love with the same person can be terrible .. cause you think the person is a part of you  , that they walk in and out , just when I was busy enjoying the attachment , i realized i got to try hard to detach and it should have been as fast as it took the person to walk out . I get so used to having the special one around , that when he/she leaves it catches me off guard . 

While i gave you’ll an idea that I’m bitter and cynical , I’m smiling as i type this , because today i ain’t afraid of loneliness , I’m afraid of people , of best friends , of my love. The close people make me insecure , but with myself , i feel strong like a ONE GIRL ARMY.  All this has made me stronger , yes i do have insecurities but i surely don’t want to hang out with people who know them and spit it back at me . It’s not the people who made me what i’m becoming , It’s the struggle when they left that’s making me what i AM. 

tomorrow when a new love , a new friend come knocking at my door , and they offer me a world , I’ll be strong enough to say i have my own .   





3 thoughts on “THE “A ” WORD

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