I remember my last Facebook status of 2012 , was thanking the year for teaching me to love fearlessly and for the best moments , for the best summer with my bestfriend and my coolest aunt , for a well deserved HSC grade . Today I deem it important to let my feelings out , like a catalogue of my thought . There used to be a hollow void in the sky sometime back , stealing my dreams and swallowing me up . But now I’ve lost someone , who I saw at my wedding when I dreamed about it , who was my daddy’s hero , my own mothers angel , someone who could be credible enough to take all the love tags , I lost her to the heaven’s and the skies .The stars aren’t out tonight, but I know she’s up there but it is only me, cold and alone, who looks upon the great sea above me for answers.
Is that loss , cause she’s not really dead , she’s always in my heart and head . Or is it loss , when that girl you’d physically alter the sun’s rotation for , no matter how much it burned , walk up to you telling you , ” were you really there for me when I needed you ? ” I could only hold the rock covering the ditch ,while she got up from that ditch , instead of pointlessly being in it too .
Or is it loss , when you lose someone you never really had ? The old tattered dreams of being together .. Oh wait they weren’t dreams . Of losing a reality I had plenty times . the loss of losing time , of never learning the art of leaving someone before being left all over again . A loss of a opinion . Apparently love isn’t always enough. That’s something that has been told to me over and over in music, books, and in the testimony of others. I always thought that I was different. Maybe I could be the one to finally achieve that perfect love that would never end or be altered . I allowed my life to be controlled by this vague notion of one-day reconciliation. I allowed my entire existence to be moldable like putting it in his large, familiar hands. Those hands once held mine in a dark movie theater and I knew that I wanted to hold those hands forever. Now I’ll never want that chance again. Cause those were the same hands that texted me he was busy when I needed him to tell me he was going to be there for me when I was grieving over the loss of someone I loved dearly .
To me , most of all , I lost myself with the loss of these three people .i lost them.in different contexts . But I have learned that everything beautiful is finite. What’s the beauty in something that lasts forever? A rainbow is momentary, like the flap of a butterfly’s wings or the first smile of a small child. Beauty can only be captured in photographs, in memories, and things that fade and die. If we were to last forever, maybe it would no longer be beautiful. Maybe there is beauty in the pain that stems from leaving . Well from aunt leaving , there was the beauty of defeating pain , a battle she won over cancer . From my bestfriend leaving , there was a lesson that no textbook can ever teach me . From the loss of love , is the beauty of hope , the beauty of faith in something better .
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